Distasteful Judgments

            Praying for my enemy is a good thing, right? The word Enemy conjures an image of Celtic warriors, racing down a hill in kilts, screaming with blue war paint covered faces. In reality, an enemy is simply a relationship where getting along is difficult. Often it is a hurt that we avoid resolving, allowing hostility to fester, which creates complications. Placing "enemy" in this context inspired me to the action of praying. Little did I know the havoc it would render.

            Answers to prayers are often not what we expect. I prayed for compassion, to understand how to love those who are difficult for me. The answer? Step into their shoes, listen to my words and experience the wounds they caused. 

            In "So Damned Heavenly Bound" some of words the younger sister says were inspired by my own. She was the character I was originally asked to play. When the project was cast, the part I was given was completely different, the middle sister. The type of "Christian" who is difficult for me to deal with. My enemy. The type person I often vented about.  

            For seventeen performances, I put her on. I became acquainted with her honest attempt to love those around her through encouraging them to rely on God. The shame she carried deep within her heart. One night I realized: the character I wore, was defending herself against my own words and unforgiveness.

             Standing before the judgment seat of God, watching our lives flash by is a moment we all dread. To see the ugliness of our true nature is horrifying. In that moment on stage, I realized Father was giving me a taste of his judgment. In answering my prayer for compassion, I caught a glimpse of my own ugliness.

            In the weeks since, I stumbled across Luke 6:35-38. The passage talks about loving our enemy, warns us about judging others and concludes with a promise. What I give out, be it a demand to be understood or forgiveness, it will be returned to me equal measure.  I see where I was ungrateful and self-serving. I judged and condemned instead of offering compassion and kindness. The realization is, the instant hurt is felt I need to pray for wisdom instead of defending myself. At the moment of offence, I need to speak truth in love and allow for reconciliation. This will keep hostility from growing like mildew in my own heart. If an understanding cannot be reached, I need to accept the consequences with grace. Not ask why or demand justification. In allowing the grief of loss, the hurt will be allowed to heal. The result is, the freedom to express the compassion, kindness and forgiveness I asked for.